It Confuses Even Me

I know some of you will be shocked to hear this, but sometimes, just occasionally, I can't figure myself out.

Just admit it - you're aghast.

Here's a list of some things I've thought about today. They're in random order, well, because they're pretty darn random and trying to prioritize them would likely make my brain seize up.

And we don't want that.

• This morning I woke up wishing my hair was curly. That's funny because my hair is the exact opposite of curly which means (wait for it....) it's straight. As a board. Like the boards the Chief always hopes I'll bring home from Home Depot when he sends me on a mission. He'll say "Get twenty 12' 2x4's, and make sure they're straight." And I'll respond "OK Chief", knowing full well that the chance of me being able to accomplish that is pretty much nil. I'm telling you it's not easy to 1) pick up 12' 2x4's because they have been soaked for months in some toxic solution which makes each of them weigh about 200 lbs 2) hold them at some odd angle while simultaneously scanning them for warps and huge knotholes, and 3) get them on the wheelie cart without injuring myself or someone else. Sometimes some unsuspecting stranger feels sorry for me and helps me load them, but more often than not they're just frightened and decide not to get 12' 2x4's for themselves that day just to avoid the chaos unfolding on that aisle.
  

• Why don't they have automatic shut-offs for heated car seats? (This is where those of you who have very spiffy cars that do have automatic shut-off switches can quit reading). I get really excited the two or three days per year when I get to use the heated seat. It makes me feel cozy. It feels good on my back. And then I always forget to switch it off after the temperature has gone up and I can't for the life of me figure out what is causing me to sweat like a pig and slide all over the leather seat. I promise you sometime next July I will look up and see the little indicator light and say "Bummer". It's inevitable.

• When is the appropriate time for me to begin my "Upcoming High School Reunion Diet and Total Body Makeover Plan"? I think I need help with this one. Here's the conundrum. The reunion is next April. There is a lot of work to be done. Do I start now and pace myself logically so the pounds and inches safely melt away never to return? (quit snickering.) Or do I eat like a crazy person during the holidays, the only time when you can actually get away with eating everything in sight, and deal with the tragic consequences in January? To be honest, I'm really leaning toward Plan B.

• Finally, did you know that you lose your fingerprints as you get older? Seriously. I mean it's bad enough that you lose your eyesight, hearing, and ability to think logically, but your fingerprints??? This is so disappointing. My recent school district employee fingerprints were rejected by the FBI. I've been rejected many times before for a lot of things, but I always thought my fingerprints were up there with the best of them. High quality. Maybe even attractive, special. No. Rejected. When I had them re-done this morning the official little fingerprint man casually mentioned that poor quality fingerprints are common in those people "of a certain age". And then he mumbled something about robbing banks using a walker.