Anyone Seen My Mojo?

Excuse me?

Anyone?

Have you seen my Mojo?

It's missing and I need it back.

And by the way

I never saw the movie,

but how on earth

DID

"Stella Get Her Groove Back"?

Because,

well,

my groove has gone

rogue

along with my Mojo.


It kind of all started Saturday.

I stopped by the mailbox to get the mail,

which on a typical day I can usually pull off without

a hitch.

I parked my car close to the curb,

stepped up to the mailbox,

removed the mail  from said mailbox,

stepped back down off the curb,

twisted my ankle like a pretzel,

and fell sideways into the driver's seat of my car

hitting my back/shoulder on the steering wheel.



Do yourself a favor and don't try to conjure up a mental picture.

It ain't pretty.



Anyway, my ankle hurt SO bad at the time

that I didn't give much thought to my back/shoulder,

until later that night when

I woke up with a start

ABSOLUTELY SURE

that The Chief had

commandered

a cattle prod

from the farm and was

plunging it into my shoulder.

Big hurt.



But, I mean, I have things to do

you know?

Places to go, cakes to ice, Father's to celebrate,

So at 6:30 in the morning I got up

to make 7 minute icing for a coconut cake I made for

Father's Day.

And for all you non-bakers - 7 minute icing is a mixture of sugar, egg whites, water, vanilla, and corn syrup that must be beaten for EXACTLY seven minutes in a double boiler over boiling water.

I had forgotten a teensy little detail.

My hand mixer was at the farm.

All I have is my big Kitchenaid,

and

By Golly,

although you can do all kinds of wonderful,

delightful things with that Big Boy,

you can't beat anything over boiling water.

SO,

being the industrious,

inventive,

totally desperate person I am,

I decided to use the immersion blender.

Which, I might add, is NOT made for beating 7 minute icing.

Or anything else.

Ever.

If I tilted the blender even the slightest bit,

burning hot sticky sugar sap flew everywhere!

The counter, the cabinets, the floor, the fridge, MY FACE!

I yelled!
Loud!

It burned.

To try to protect myself, I held a dish towel over my face,

which as you would guess,

rendered me blind

to the bowl,

the blender,

everything.

And as you can also guess

made things

significantly worse.


I finally tied the dish towel around the lower part of my face,

like a bandit,

and did my best to finish off the icing.

After about 30 minutes of my intermittent yelping and howling,

The Chief wandered in from the bedroom.

"I thought someone was killing you in here," he said dryly,

"You sure have been yelling a lot."


And to be honest,

I haven't yet decided how to respond to that...



Then he wandered off to take a shower,

shaking his head

and muttering something

about the definition of insanity...

and doing the same thing

over and over

and expecting a different result.



Well, Thank you Dr. Phil.



That was Sunday morning.

I have ALMOST

removed the last vestiges

of the syrup,

from my kitchen

although,

just this morning I did see

Weegie

run his tongue all the way across the floor

Again.



And then last night to top things off

I decided to

flood

the laundry room.


I was hand washing

one of The Chief's shirts

in the sink in the laundry room.

(And no, I don't generally handwash the man's shirts,
I'm not sure what had gotten into me...)

I was rinsing the shirt,

when I suddenly remembered

that I had the bread

for The Chief's corned beef sandwich

on the griddle in the kitchen,

so I ran in to take it off before

it burned.


Then I made his sandwich.


Then I ate some of the corned beef.


Then I contemplated how

good it was.


Then I ate some of the pineapple-mango salsa

I made to accompany the sandwich.


And I contemplated how good IT was.


Then I drank some TAB.


Then I heard something that sounded alot

like a waterfall.


It was.

A waterfall, I mean.

In the laundry room.



It was really, really bad.

And without going into the gory details

of the clean-up,

of The Chief's appearance at PRECISELY,

EXACTLY,

the worst time,

let's just suffice it to say that

I'm trying to decide which angle to work...


Isn't the flooding  REALLY The Chief's fault since

1.  It was his shirt I was HANDWASHING??

and

2.  It was his  HOMEMADE CORNED BEEF SANDWICH WITH PINEAPPLE-MANGO SALSA

that I was preparing?????

or should I go with blaming our

HOMEBUILDER

since,

who on EARTH ever heard of a very deep sink in a laundry room not having

an OVERFLOW DRAIN DUMAFLITCHY????



Anyway,

I think you can see,

I need to get my groove/mojo

back.

And Quick.

So if you come across mine-

Please send it home.


Thanks.