Thursday, July 29, 2010

Montage Remix

I was jolted awake this morning at an unpleasantly early hour with a horrible muscle cramp in my left calf.

Opposed to my right calf,

of course,

which would make this

an entirely different



OK, well maybe it wasn't that early - The Chief had left for work an hour before, and had probably by that time produced thousands of barrels of offshore oil, done several presentations, and held 6 meetings. 

But his "overachieverness" is not the issue here.

Back to my pain.

I was JOLTED awake with searing pain.

This would be more understandable if:

1) I had long legs.

2) I had long legs with shapely, muscular calves.

But since I have neither of the two,

this was a shocking, and somewhat insulting

turn of events.

After the writhing and crying,

I decided that this was probably a

sign from God,

telling me to get up,

get busy,

and drink a TAB.

So I did.

I try to be obedient like that.

Then I decided that I should

go for my walk

and spend some quality time

making up excuses

for why I haven't posted anything on this blog for

two weeks.

Which I also did.

And I've just got to tell you.

I have a very



Complex meaning

even I can't figure myself out most of the time.

Here's what I thought about:

(in no order whatsoever...)

I've been busy, For Pete's Sake.

That's why I haven't blogged.

1.   I was in New York for a week where I was the "main cook and bottle washer" for a group of 15-20.  I love to cook for people who are so hot, tired, and starved by the time they get to eat that I could serve them cardboard with a little sauce and they would call me blessed..

Try it sometime - It's a geat confidence builder!

2.  I spent a day at The Bronx Zoo with a posse of six men who were so tired that every time they sat down they fell asleep.  They slept on every bench, curb, rock, and tree stump they could find.

We got kicked off  the Zoo Tram for sleeping.

3.  I ate with the six man posse at a charming little Italian Restaurant called

"La RiVista"

on Restaurant Row just off of Times Square


-I spent alot of time explaining the intricacies of the menu to guys who

don't normally require a reduced balsamic dipping sauce with the cheese course,

or eat asiago polenta on a regular basis.

- One of our guys (a retired Texas Game Warden) asked the waiter if

"The tilapia comes with the head off or the head on, 'cause he just really didn't want to be looking at a head while he was eating",



- Eating some of the most scrumptious food I've had in a long time.

4.  I was caught in a severe thunderstorm in Times Square

at night,

in the dark with the same posse of men.

We had to run

at least 237 blocks

in a torrential rain

to catch a train to Long Island.

We were running a bit late.

And no, it had absolutely nothing to do with

The Hershey's store or the M&M store.

They could all run fast.

They all

(including The Chief)

completely forgot that my little



was with them.

I was about a block behind them all

running faster than I had

since I was 12.



Unable to see in front of my face.

Extremely worried about the welfare of the bottle of

"Lemon Verbena Eau de Toilette" bouncing around in my purse that

I had procured at the L'Occitane shop

on Broadway.

But still I ran.

Mainly because I realized they were gonna leave me

at night

in the dark

in New York City

if I didn't keep up.

We made it to Penn Station with only seconds to spare.

And beside the ugly incident

in which

The Chief's Metro card

wouldn't work in the turnstile,

and he just jumped over it,

and I screamed "RUN"

(Which, trust me on this - one should never scream in a NY subway station)

and I was sure the NYPD

was going to chase us all,

then taser us,

and slap us in jail,

and in the ensuing struggle,

they would break my bottle of

"Lemon Verbena Eau de Toilette",

other than that,

we got on the train just fine.

5.  I went to Yankee Stadium

and ate a Nathan's Hotdog and Fries,

and  seriously,

check out the shortness of the legs above...

Oh Yes,

there was a baseball game going on,

and the Yankees were defeated


And in a rash, but definitive way,

I determined that I prefer

Citi Field (Home of The Mets)

to Yankee Stadium.

Please don't hate me.

6.  I found out what was worse  than being sick away from home.

It's being sick with a violent stomach bug,

in the middle of the night,

in the basement of a church

that used to be a gladiolus greenhouse

in the stall of a bathroom,

whose only light


on a motion detector...

And no one even knew I was there.

The nightmare ramifications are high.

7.  The night we got back home,

having dreamed of nothing more for days

than sleeping in our own bed,

we were awakened at 2 am by the deafeningly

shrill screech of the smoke alarm in the Master Bedroom.

The battery was going out.

The ceilings are really high.

The Chief tried to reach it by standing on

a bar stool.

No luck.

He went to the garage

and got the only ladder

we had  available.

It was one that you have to lean against the wall.

The smoke alarm is more or less in the middle of the room.

Still the screeching.

Reaching his almost 6'4" frame

as far as he could

he was finally able to pull the cover off

which he "accidentally" dropped with radar-like accuracy right on my head,

followed immediately by the 9-volt battery.

I had a tough time going back to sleep.

8.  And to top things off,

I can't quit thinking about meat pies.

When does a calzone


an empanada?

If I just changed the filling of the calzone to a more mexican

filling does this an empanada make???

Or do I have to make a flakier, crusty  dough AND

change the filling???


Can you answer this?

as you can see,

I've been otherwise occupied.

Please be patient with me.


I'll try to do better.


Monday, July 12, 2010

Montage Monday

Mercy Me! 

Where have I been?

And although absolutely no one

has even asked,

I like to imagine (in the nicest way, of course)

that you have all been suffering

from horrible, horrible withdrawal pains

because it's been so long since I posted anything.

I'm just considerate like that.

I'm a mess.

I just haven't been able to

organize my thoughts

at all

in the last few weeks.

(Yes, I hear The Chief snickering)

So I've decided some therapy is in order.

Monday Montage Therapy,


I simply purge my mind

of all of the jumble of thoughts

swimming around in there,

and start,

So to Speak,

with a clean slate.

(I know, more snickering.)

And I should probably warn you,

this might not be




So, if you don't feel able to keep up...

You just might want to forget you ever

happened upon


or this blog,

and just go get yourself

a Twinkie

or something.

Here goes:

1)  I went on my regular walk/jog this morning.  It's about 4  miles, and I've been so proud of myself because I have, over time, worked my way up to jogging almost half of it in short spurts.  Today, try as I might, I couldn't for the life of me even BEGIN to jog.  My legs were so heavy I could barely get them to walk much less run.  I was sweating buckets.  I was gasping for air.  I got home, collapsed onto the tile, got a good look at how much dog hair is on the floor, and promptly lost conciousness.

I came to a few minutes later with Weegie's buttocks on my chest, his nose in my face, saying,
"Look Mom, I know you have chicken in the fridge.  I saw you put it in there.  Get up, get over yourself, and get me some."

So I did.

2)  It's quite possible that there might be a connection between my complete inability to run this morning and the fact that I attended the annual Sims Family Reunion on Friday and the Lost Prairie Cemetery Memorial on Saturday.  At these events it is traditional to fill  overload your plate with some of the best food around and joke with your cousins that "Well, it's only once a year... we can splurge once a year."  When, all the while, you, your cousins, and everyone else on the planet knows that you actually eat that much on a fairly  regular basis.

Like I said,  not pretty.

3)  I quit my job.  YIKES!

Not quit in a bad way , but quit in a decided to resign way.

I felt like it was time to make more time to visit my parents, and to maybe explore doing something different.


If you'd like to hire me

I'm available.

Here are some possibilities, but feel free to come up with your own.

1)  I could cook for you - be your personal chef!

2) I could tutor you on the use of complicated farm equipment.

3)  I could teach your dog to carry on long conversations like Weegie can.

(Cruelly, The Chief still insists that these conversations occur "only in my mind")

but I really think I could be successful with your dog.

Really I do.

Just imagine. 

The possibilities are endless.

I can have my resume out to you in no time...