Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Never Be Me

I realize it's Wednesday.



Unfortunately The Weege has not lifted his body

even once

from the chaise lounge on the patio

since we got back from our vacation.


WAIT!!!

I went out to take his picture and he had MOVED!!!

He had apparently WALKED to the front yard!

This is such an encouraging sign!


But still,

Homeboy's a little pooped.



He expended more energy in the 10 days we were gone

than he normally does in a month.


Or three.


I've been attempting to turn him over

every couple of hours

to prevent bed sores,

but he's currently unable to blog.




Or walk very far.

Without assistance.


So you'll have to put up with me today.


Weegie will be blogging again

just as soon as he recovers.



Today I thought I'd share some of my "Things to Never Do".

I seem to have a vast array from which to choose.



Don't Be Me.


1.  Never take a large group of hormonal 8th graders into a small, cramped, pitch black portable planetarium without first separating the boys from the girls.

Just don't.

2.  Never lose the keys to the Big Tractor.

3.  Never say the following:  "Oh, I know it looks like poison ivy, but it's not.  Don't worry.  I have a Biology degree."

4.  Never buy a pair of boots that are 1/2 size too small because they don't have your size, and you love them and think that if you wear them you will look Young and Hip.
What actually happens is that the pain they cause your feet will deepen the wrinkles on your face, make you walk with a limp, and you'll look older (and much less Hip) than everyone's great grandmother.

5.  Never lose the key to the Barn.

6.  Never walk a mile and a half in the dark to use a chemical toilet in a National Forest without a flashlight.

7.  Never substitute cucumbers for zucchini in a baked casserole dish.

8.  Never assume  that you look good in a large-flowered orange and red shirt.

9.  Never, ever lose the keys to The Chief's truck.

10.  Never think that if you are using an exfoliating cleanser on your face, and scrub harder and harder to exfoliate more and more that it won't leave a mark.

11. Never admit to The Chief that the reason you're not eating much at dinner is because you ate enough for three people during the cooking process.

12.  Never assume that you will EVER remember where you hid something for safekeeping.
Trust me on this.

13.  Never eat 7 pieces of the most wonderful Gourmet Pizza in Santa Fe, only to discover immediately afterward that the smooth, creamy, little potato-like morsels absolutely covering it were slow-roasted whole garlic cloves which do unspeakable things to one's stomach.

14.  Never put Henna on your hair on a Friday Night while you're in college just because you don't have a date.

15.  Never read a series of books out of numerical order.  It can cause permanent psychological damage.

16.  Never take the size jeans you "think" you wear into the dressing room.  Take the next 2 larger sizes.

17.  Never bring Weegie back into the house when you think maybe, probably, perhaps he MIGHT have been sprayed by a skunk.

18.  Never try to logically explain to The Chief why you did #17.

19.  Never assume that you think like Normal People.

20.  Never forget the toilet paper in #6.


I'm glad to be back!

Lu

Monday, September 13, 2010

But still, I Cry


No, No.

Don't call 9-1-1.

This happened over three years ago.


I forget the exact date and time,


But it was June 8, 2007

at approximately 9:15:22 am  CST.

Give or take a millisecond.



I had just made some French Breakfast Puffs.



I lovingly washed the bowls

in warm water, with a soft cloth.


I fanned them dry.

I buffed them to a healthy sheen.


I stacked them lovingly,

and was walking to return them

to their rightful home

with the others.



I honestly don't know what happened.

I saw a blur.


Heard a horrible bounce

and

crack.


I passed out.


Then I came to

and saw the carnage.


Broken.

Mangled.

Chunks of them scattered on the devil tile.

All three of them.



Triple Destruction.



I've never been able to (I can hardly say it...) "discard" them, though.



"They're plastic bowls, Lu."

"Broken plastic bowls."

"Not only do they have chunks missing - they're cracked."

"What good are they?"


I've heard it all.


Thank you.


I still keep them in the stack with the others.


I turn their cracks away

and they

are still perfect.


They still nest comfortably with their brother and sister bowls.


It doesn't have to be true.


Does it?

Tell me it doesn't have to be true.



One day I'll open the cabinet,

pull them out,

and they will be whole.


Without blemish.


They will once again

help make Blueberry Struesel Muffins,

Gooey Butter Cakes,

Almond Buttercrunch Bars,

and Lu's World Famous Pancakes...


Really.

They will.




Like my skinny jeans.

They still hang in my closet

with all their non-skinny counterparts.



One day I will wake up,

and miraculously no longer crave things

laden with butter,

sugar,

cream,

and lard,

and I'll put them on.


And while I'm dressing,


I'll listen to my Doobie Brothers album


and I'll use my curling iron on my


Farrah Fawcett "wings"



and apply frosted blue shadow



both above and below my eyes,



and then I'll go out and get in my


Baby Blue 1978 Monte Carlo

with the White Top


and everything

will

be

OK.



Really,

It will.




Some may call it denial.


I call it

Hope.



What am I without Hope?


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Weegie on Wednesday II

I'm back people.

It's Wednesday,

and this is The Weege.


I thought I'd share a little about my weekend.

It was The Labor Day Holiday, you know.

And since I'm a hard-working,



laboring

kind of guy

it's only right

that I should get a little R&R.


So we go to the farm.



And I get to spend a lot of quality time in The Mule.

(Notice my new bling, people.)


And I had some outstanding opportunities

for rolling in stuff.


There was this excellent find,



and then you just can't beat

the stuff that washes up dead around the lake



Fine, I'm telling you.

The stuff washes up,

then bakes in the sun for a while,

and the perfume is just intensified.

It's a sensory delight I tell you.


For everyone.


I did a little swimming to cool off

and to keep my muscles toned

and sleek.

And I took some walks along the shore.



This is kind of my new favorite picture of myself.

I like the light.

And I just look

thoughtful,

contemplative,

don't you think?


I still have to contend with the cattle, of course.

They're putty in my hands, though.


Seriously, do you see the fear and respect on this

little Bull's face?



Fear I tell you.



There was one let's say "visually disturbing"  incident

involving myself

and one of the White Longhorns.

But whatever you may hear otherwise,

I DID NOT run from that cow and hide under the Mule.


Please.


It was an evasive move.

I have to throw them off.

A little duck and run kind of thing.


You've got to let them at least feel like they're in the game.


I mean seriously,

there is some pretty elaborate and highly complex "technique"

involved in cattle herding

and I don't want to sound arrogant,

but if you're not a Herding Master

you just wouldn't get it.



Under the heading of

"Other Farm Happenings"...


We caught these nasty guys on the trail camera.




Can you say U-gly?










It just honestly kind of gives me

the willies

to know that these things are

traipsing around

all over



MY farm.

Gheesh!!!!!!!!


Let me tell you,

my Brothers and Sisters

there is

absolutely nothing reflective or contemplative about that

highly

unattractive creature.


I'm just glad that they generally keep to their malodorous and elusive selves...





And now under the Heading

"Someone Really Needs to SERIOUSLY Look Into this!!!!"


The scuttlebut is

a MOUNTAIN LION,

AKA

COUGAR,

AKA

PUMA

I daresay PANTHER!!!!!!

Whatever the HECK you want to call the

OVERSIZED, LONG-FANGED, PREDATORY CAT

Was spotted not too far from the farm,

carrying a FAWN away in it's mouth!!!!

The horror!!!!!!!

Is anyone else out there concerned about this turn of events?????


Let me tell you

how very unpleasant

it is to overhear

a conversation

that

let's see...

boiled down to...

How very MUCH these things like to prey on...

I can hardly say it...

WEEGIES!!!!!!!!

So,

uh,

if any of you could

give

MY PEOPLE

a SHOUT OUT

about how you're extremely

concerned for my safety,

and how they might want to take some EXTRA SAFETY PRECAUTIONS

on my account,


I'd really, really, really be

appreciative.



Peace Out,

The Weege


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Why Do I Let These Things Happen?

It's Raining.

Big Raining.


The Weege insisted though,  that he needed to go outside.

He ran to the front of the courtyard,

looked out the gate,

barked at the rumble of thunder,

then tucked his tail

(Wait, he has no tail)

well, tucked his ears,

ran back inside

and promptly laid his

soaking wet underside

on my freshly polished

wood floor.


That's kind of how things transpire around here.


It's definitely one of those days

when it's nice to be home.


And dry.


But,

it would be nicer

 to be home and dry with

standard rainy day

baking staples

like

Milk,

and

Eggs.


You see that big empty space right next to the heavy cream and buttermilk?

That's where the Milk should be.

And the eggs.



Drat.

No milk or eggs anywhere.



Nada.

Not even on the "Shelf of Things That Are Not Good For Lu"


And Yes, that is a Giant Carton of Cream Cheese.

Why do you ask?



No milk or eggs on the "Bottom Shelf of Things I Should Have Thrown Away a Long Time Ago".



No one around here even drinks 7-Up.


It's about half full.

The expiration date is 2008.



No,

no milk or eggs there.


So apparently I won't be doing any

Rainy Day Baking.


Unless,

of course,

one of you

happens to be coming by my house.

In the pouring rain,

with some

extra

Milk

and

Eggs...


No?


Well, maybe I'll throw a few provisions

in the Recycling Bin,

which is the closest thing to a boat

that I have on hand,

and The Weege and I will paddle up to the HEB

and re-stock.

But the problem is,

The Weege's backside is,

well,

a tad wide,

and takes up

a substantial amount of the space in the Recycle Bin,

and he always insists that we take

some cheese crackers,

and of course I have to have TAB,

so logistically, the whole trip

just

becomes a nightmare.



So really,

if one of you would just leave some

Milk

and

Eggs

(I prefer 2% and Brown Eggs - (Just in Case!)

on my porch,

we'd really appreciate it.


Thanks.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Bowl Winner!!


It's been such fun having our first Giveaway!

Weegie and I really enjoyed reading all the comments about what everyone likes to collect.

Boy!  Aren't we a varied bunch!

Anything from

old books, to eggplants,

nativities to tea sets,

Christmas Villages, Willow Tree figurines, wooden bowls,

even cats, friends, dust and SPAM!

I Love It!


Even though I regularly

bare my soul here on Mudpuddle,

it was so nice to hear from all of you.

I hope that you all enjoyed

reading about each other!!


For some of you, it was your first time

to schlep out the whole "commenting"

process,

and you found out you Really Were technological geniuses!!!


Thanks to each and every one!


I thought it was great how creative and passionate some of you were about winning the bowl!

Some of it hinged on scary,

but that's what we want here.


Genuineness!

Right!


Who cares that people offered

Bribes,

(although embarrassingly, I did find Weegie attempting to look up phone numbers for both Kendra and Cindy)

and even Threats.


The Weege and I took some self-defense classes,

and were feeling generally pretty good

about going out in public

without a Body Guard.


So, I hope you all now feel a little more

comfortable

and part of this Big Place called Mudpuddle.


So here goes!!!!!

Each commentor (commenter/commentor?) was assigned a number.

(All except for Anonymous, who, well, is anonymous.)



The numbers were precisely folded and placed in the BOWL!









Next, was the really important part.



Weegie was officially

sworn in.

Given the Oath.

We even said

The Boy Scout Pledge.


I won't show the actual drawing,

'cause it was,

a little drooley......


(really, really, bad picture)

But the winner was Lucky #13!!!!



Which happened to be...

(also a really bad picture!)


CAROL B.!!!!!!!!


Congratulations Carol.

Eggplant Woman!

I'll arrange to get the bowl to you soon.


But first,

you'll have to sign-up for,

and attend a series of 12

"Bowl Care Sessions"!



Just Kidding!

I trust you.



(But the bowl has been implanted with a video monitor device.)

So just mind your "P's and Q's" Missy!

Again, thanks to all who commented!



And now, 

your next assignment.


Let's come up with another fun contest.

Yes, it must be more creative.


We'll need a panel of international judges,

of course.


Let me know what you can think of!!!!!!!!!!!!!


P.S.  Thanks for reading

and bringing Me so much pleasure.  :)