Friday, December 31, 2010

Thanks to 2010 and You!

Thank Goodness, I got my haircut today.

For some of you getting a haircut is probably not all that terribly exciting.  But perhaps a few of you can relate to OH SWEET MERCY,  THE PAMPERING.
I've always said that the only thing I really envy about Hollywood stars is that they have someone to wash and style their hair for them.

Everyday.
I would die from bliss.

And in knowing this, God mercifully chose not to make me a star.

Thank You and Amen.


In the peace and quiet (well, when the dryer wasn't going and the odd semi-rock soundtrack wasn't too loud) of the haircutting I had a great opportunity to reflect upon the fact that today is the last day of 2010, and tomorrow opens the door to yet another New Year.

2010 will certainly not go down as my all- time favorite, but Thank You and for Pete's Sake not the worst either.

I've mentioned before that I truly write this blog out of need.  The need to rid my mind of all the troubles I fret about, the worries I carry with me, the thoughts of OH MY GOSH EVERYTHING IS JUST AWFUL that sometimes invade.

And while there have been a lot of storms this year, I can honestly say that God has used this blog and all of you who read it (and especially those that take your precious time to comment on posts) to remind me everyday of His constant provision of JOY AND PEACE, and by golly, just EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD.

So along with my Regular Yearly Resolutions (or RYR), (I can send you an annotated copy- they've been the same for the last 25 years or so...) I will add the following:

I will be Constantly Thankful for this little tiny blip on the internet I call my blog, and most especially for the faithful readers who continually bring me such Joy.

I love you, my Internet people...

Let's make it a great 2011.

Lu

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A List

Well,
I figured it was about time to get back into the swing of things after a Christmas blogging break.

I have a lot on my mind.

And while I know that this probably at the same time thrills and frightens you, I'll do my best to make it at least bearable. And my idea of "making it bearable" involves trying to make a neat, orderly list of all my craziness.

I like to satisfy all you engineers out there.

What can I say?

Randomness, over-explanation, and the inability to make a point,

they are my spiritual gifts.


1.  We just had a BIG TIME at the farm for Christmas.  There was all manner of frivolity, including gift-sharing, gun shooting, and a particular emphasis on determining how much sugar the human body is capable of processing in a 48-hour period.

I was particularly thrilled to have all my boys together again under one roof if just for a brief time.


And it was just fascinating and endearing to find that it took absolutely no time at all for them to fall back into their old habit of good-natured kidding/harassment of their Mom (or Wife, in The Chief's case) over her cooking.  The sons' quickly came to the conclusion that any bad decision they've EVER made in their lives was the direct result of my use of old cookware with flaking non-stick coating and THEREFORE NOT IN ANY WAY THEIR FAULT.

Maybe you have to be the Mom of only boys to understand the JOY.


2.  We of course, celebrated Weegie's birthday, and a WILD TIME was had by all.



The Weege is still recovering from ALL THE CRAZY, and it may be Thursday or even Friday before you see The Weege on Wednesday.

I'm sure that's perfectly clear to everyone.

Like I said, it's a gift.


3.  A BIG SHOUT OUT to The Chief for my awesome new camera.  I haven't had time to figure out how to use it yet (don't worry, neither of the two above photos was taken with it....) but as soon as I do, I'm sure I'll be DAZZLING all of you with the same NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC-TYPE photos that you've grown accustomed to enjoying here maybe with a little QUALITY thrown in!

I'll say it for you.  WOO HOO!



4.  Today I'm looking forward to:

a) paying all our taxes

b) saying numerous times that I am going to start taking the the Christmas decorations down in "just a minute" and then... umm, NO.

c) admiring the fact that my entire house is covered with glitter - the unfortunate result of an ill-advised purchase of festive wired Christmas ribbon from Sam's because of my ADAMANT REFUSAL to ever buy another pre-tied Christmas bow AS LONG AS I LIVE.

d) calling my hairstylist and begging for an emergency appointment to remedy the self-bang-trim I performed with what I believe may have been old hedge trimmers.


Keeping you informed of all the important news...

Lu

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Weegie's Version

Well, woe be it unto me to take a Sunday nap.

I mean, I lay out in the sun for a while and the photos get posted all over the stinkin' Internet.

How about a little privacy here.

A little respect.

It's not as if I hadn't been busy right before those incriminating pictures were taken.

I was BUSY.

REALLY BUSY.

Really.

I mean we have SQUIRRELS APLENTY in the yard.

If I was not on constant alert they would literally run amok.

It's a VIGIL I tell you.

And who better to handle it than The Weegester? (If I do say so myself)


Besides, I need to get rested up for the upcoming Christmas Trip to the Farm.

You realize how much energy I expend while there don't you?

I'm a cattle-herding, pig-chasing, donkey-pestering, cow poop-rolling MACHINE.


I do need to have a little talk with Mom and The Chief before we go, though.

Apparently, both of the "Biological Sons" will be joining us at the farm.  And while they are both completely tolerable (I'm nothing if not 'inclusive') they do tend to 'suck up' some of the attention from Mom and The Chief that is, naturally, of course, supposed to be MINE.

And while I am willing to share and BE THE BIGGER PERSON here, I think we all need to be aware of my ATTENTION REQUIREMENTS and my limits THEREOF.

It's not the "Biological Sons' " fault,of course,  they were both off to college and out of the house by the time I appeared on the scene, and BLESS THEIR HEARTS, they simply don't understand how things ARE NOW.

But as usual, I will be kind and diplomatic and the epitome of grace.


Besides,  my BIRTHDAY is this weekend and I don't want to alienate any potential gift-givers.

And I've got to just say AGAIN that had I been able to choose, December 26 would NOT have been my first choice for a birthday.

I mean look whose Birthday we celebrate on the 25th!

The King of Kings!

And then here's THE WEEGE on the 26th!

The DAY AFTER the biggest birthday celebration of all.

The love has already been shared, the food already eaten, the celebration already done...

YAHOO-YIPPITY.

Happy Birthday to me.



I'll be 5, by the way, if you're trying to pick out a card...



Peace Out, Merry Christmas

The Weege

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I So Missed It

Don't despair.

Weegie is working on a post for Wednesday, and I understand it might possibly just be a rebuttal to accusations made against him in a recent post.

Hold your breath.

We shall all see tomorrow.



But today my friends I started my day devastated.  DE-VA-STATED.

I realized this morning that I missed the finale of The Sing-Off last night.

Now don't misunderstand - we were having a perfectly delightful time last evening visiting with some old friends who were passing through town (Hey Dave and Lori!) due to the hospitality of other friends (Hey Darryl and Miriam!), but I had forgotten (OH THE HORROR) that last night was the finale.

(Oh and P.S. to D.&M.:  Do not be frightened if you wake up soon and find me camped out on your AWESOME screened porch.  It spoke to me.)

Not that I would have missed our little get-together for anything of course.  But had I realized the show was taking place at THAT VERY MOMENT IN TIME I might have politely demanded that the host put the show on the TV and then I might have proceeded to describe the show, the host, the judges, the participants, the rules, the pure entertainment of the singing, just the EVERYTHING about the show to EVERYONE.

And I might have cried and cried at every performance just because THEY ARE ALL SO GOOD.

And did I mention that all the groups are so endearing and hardworking, and that I LITERALLY FALL IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM?


And it's also possible that I might have gone on and on with ALL THIS AND THE OTHER until such time as The Chief might have plucked me up by the neck and locked me in his truck outside until the evening was over, or at least until everyone forgot that he was the one who had brought me there in the first place.

But let me just tell you what I did, my friends.

I googled it.

YES MA'AM I DID.

And guess what I found out?  MY VERY FAVORITE GROUP WON!

I KNOW!!

Congratulations Committed!!!!

Your voices are 'JUST LIKE BUTTA'... just like the judges said.

And you know what else?  When I read about it on The Google I cried just like I was actually THERE (or at least like I was actually watching it last night.)

And it was SO GOOD.

ALL HAIL THE INTERNET.

Monday, December 20, 2010

If Truth Be Told, He's a Real Slacker

Here's evidence...


This is how we found The Weege when we got home from church on Sunday.

Impressive.  No?

All I'm saying is that he had led me to believe that he was going to ACCOMPLISH things while we were gone.

I mean it's almost Christmas.

There are things to get done.

We all have to pitch in.  Pull our own weight so to speak.

There are gifts to buy, gifts to wrap.

There are cookies to be made...


Butterscotch-Orange Pecan Fudge to overdose on...



and other things...




So I'm not sure WHAT ON EARTH he thought he was doing out there,

upside down

in the sun.


I'll let you know when he wakes up...



And provides me with an acceptable explanation.



Are you all ready?  Got all your ducks in a row?  Kicked procrastination's Booty?

Let's do a scientific poll!


Lu

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Just Some More Things

I admit it.

I am struggling to have a complete thought.

I can't begin to write anything of consequence.  And of course, you are all so accustomed to reading only things of GREAT CONSEQUENCE here.

Just bits and pieces,

That's all I got, people.


1)  I'm really having a run on THE WEIRD DREAMS.  Over the last several nights there have been  ummm,,, let's see - the long march across country on foot during which I lost Weegie and hyperventilated until I found him, the incident in which I lost my purse then found it only to then discover from my identification that I was not in fact who I thought I was ( I KNOW). Then last night the one where I was invited to join a club that regularly contacted aliens through a particular washer and dryer.  I was somewhat surprised - no I daresay shocked- to find they were regular old TOP LOADERS (I KNOW!).

And to think I've been wanting the new fancy front-loaders- but now I know all I need is a little aluminum foil rolled into an antenna...

So, as you can guess, most of my waking hours lately have been spent wavering on the high side of  PARANOIA  and having  serious doubts about my sanity.


2) I can announce that I have done an UNPRECEDENTED amount of Christmas gift buying at this time.  And by saying this I just mean that normally at this time (about a week or so before Christmas) I've bought absolutely nothing.  So I feel proud and SOMEWHAT ACCOMPLISHED that I have kicked the SPIRIT OF PROCRASTINATION's  BOOTY!

Yes, Thank You, and You're Welcome.

But, disturbingly, I'm finding that I now have much more time to DECIDE THE GIFTS I'VE BOUGHT ARE LAME AND AWFUL and am on the verge of returning them all and starting over.

I'm probably in desperate need of your prayers.

3)  The Weege has been wanting to write (REALLY) he's been bugging me.  But here's the issue.  My hips are big.  I mean bigger than they were two weeks ago.  And I've been slacking on my walking.  Slacking, I say.  And well, yesterday I waited (again) too late to leave for my walk, so I decided to just take Weegie walking around the neighborhood for a bit in a desperate attempt to reduce the size of my hips, and well, nothing much exciting happened EXCEPT TO SAY THAT IT WAS LITERALLY A NIGHTMARE.

The Weege loves to swim.  So when we reached Mason Pond he, of course, wanted to get in.  It was a nice warm day, although I'm sure the water was frigid, but The Weege, you know, he's about as tough as they come, so anyway he went swimming and just had a BIG TIME.

But, when he got out I noticed that well, he smelled like the BOTTOM OF A SWAMP.  And although I'm not entirely sure what the bottom of a swamp smells like, I feel sure it's close to how Mr. Weegie Pants still smells TODAY. So he's banned to the out-of-doors until I can get the UMPPHH  to give him a bubble bath or some related spa-type treatment.

I just speak the Truth in Love.

Lu

Monday, December 13, 2010

Just Some Things

I woke up today simply filled with the spirit of sharing.

My mind that is.

You must just be thrilled to be on the receiving end of such a gift!

I'll be brief and to the point.

1) The Chief and I are right in the middle of our ANNUAL 'difference of opinion' about the thermostat setting.  I feel sure that he is trying to incinerate me, and he is equally convinced that I would like nothing more than to see him freeze to death.  If he would just WEAR THE KNIT CAP at night like I suggested I truly believe the problem would be solved.  Or if he would just PRAY about it, I know that God would convict him of his EXTREME WRONGNESS in the matter and coincidentally MY EXTREME
RIGHTNESS.

And that's just all I'm going to say about that.

2) I am just PLEASED TO NO END that Nat and Kat won Amazing Race last night.  They showed a lot of spunk and savvy  throughout the race, and MERCY SAKES THANK YOU did not scream and fight with each other the whole time.  I would have been equally as pleased if the other all-girl team of Brook and Claire had won.  I provided The Chief his very own personal and very LOUD  play-by-play of the entire finale.  He was not technically watching the show (he was ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING AGAIN) and he couldn't have seen the TV screen anyway as I had to be approximately 6 inches from the screen yelling encouragement to the participants and jumping up and down.

And I tell you I was SIMPLY BESIDE MYSELF to learn that in February a new season of Amazing Race will feature some of MY FAVORITE TEAMS OF PAST SEASONS.

It's a gift I tell you,  a precious gift.

and

3) I have been carrying my SALAD SPINNER in the back of my car for about a month now.  I've had numerous opportunities to remove it, (like right this very MINUTE IN TIME, I could get up, and go get it) but just can't bring myself to take it out.


I think there could possibly still be some lettuce in in.

Maybe I'm being led to leave it there in the case of an emergency.  Maybe I'll be stranded in my car with some UN-SPUN GREENS in my purse, and will be able to whip myself up a nice salad while I await rescue.

There is just not a bit of telling.


Wishing you a day filled with your very own JOY AND DELIGHT,

Lu

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Weegie Wishes

It took me a while to get this posted.  I hope you understand.

My mind has been 16 ways of occupied.

The Mom insists that I go to the Vet. today for my annual check-up/ body evaluation and humiliation.

They will make me get on a scale and then the Dr. will say something like,

"Well, Weege, it looks like you may have put on a few pounds."

"We really need to watch that - keep an eye on that."

To which I will respond "psshhaaww".


Anyway, not WE but ME will be given nothing but THE BORING DRY DOG FOOD for the next six weeks.

Maybe the occasional fresh blueberry, but I can kiss anything else tasty goodbye.  I love me some blueberries by the way, and although I am not including them on my Christmas List I would be pleased as PUNCH if you want to drop off a pint or two on the front porch.

You Are Welcome.


I really think The Dr. fails to take into account that my legs are only 3 inches long, therefore, giving the ILLUSION of stoutness.

It's ALL an ILLUSION .

A sad ILLUSION.

Can I get some support here?  My People?


Oh, and I'll also get numerous "Important Vaccinations" and such,

but needles don't bother me.


The DIET RESTRICTIONS, they bother me.


The Mom said that I need to get my mind off the whole thing, and that some of you are wondering what I want for Christmas because,

well, frankly,

Because I'm Pretty Cool.

And a TRENDSETTER of sorts.


So here goes...


1.  Pupperoni Treats (Original Flavor)  Large Economy Size from SAMS.

2.  OH MY GOSH PLEASE, a windshield for the Mule.  It's hard to look COOL riding in the Mule when one QUITE LITERALLY has icicles (frozen water, people!) dangling from one's nose.


3.  I want this cow SOLD.  Don't make me tell you why.  She just has to go.


4. More medication for The Mom. HEAVEN HELP US ALL.  She cried through the whole "Sing-Off" show.  When they do good, she cries.  When they kind of mess up, she cries.  The Chief and I were fascinated by the whole thing.

5.  New patio furniture.  I don't fit anymore.  AMEN




6.  I would like to learn how to do The Twitter, and then I would need a device upon which to Twit.
I think lots of people would be interested in keeping up with my every waking move.

LOTS OF PEOPLE.

7.  I want The Mom to CHILL-OUT about the skunk.  The last time it was in the yard, she stepped out onto the patio, her eyes rolled in opposite directions and she immediately lost conciousness.  I mean it's JUST A SKUNK. 

8.  The Mom says I want the cookbook Baked Explorations: Classic Dessert Reinvented
 But I'm not sure I do.


9.  The Mom also says I want a Vitamix Blender .

 But The Chief says "NOBODY NEEDS A 500 DOLLAR BLENDER".  
And he seems pretty sure of that.


10.  Unlimited access to Cow Poop.  I'm sorry.  I know this bothers some of you.  Obviously you have your questions.

But it's my list.  I mean YOU ALL ASKED FOR IT.



Now I beg you, give me something to take my mind off of the upcoming trip to the Vet.  

Tell me what YOU want for Christmas.


Yo,


The Weege




















Thursday, December 2, 2010

Let's Party

"And for all that is good and perfect in this world, Please Lord, do not let it be THAT TIME again...

AMEN

I tried this over and over...

But still, it was THAT TIME.

Time to buy THE PARTY CLOTHES.

A note to THE MEN :  Please don't stop reading just because this post is about shopping and clothes and other such stuff.  We like you to weigh-in on all topics, if not because we value your opinion on the subject, then just because we'll kick around what you say and have a GRAND TIME making fun with it.



You may have noticed I have a teensy bit of trouble making decisions. I commonly use four or five words to describe something because I simply can't decide on what I think is the best one.  


EXAMPLE:  This morning my jeans feel tight, constrictive, shrunken, too small...

I want to be sure that I accurately describe things.

For you,

the reader.

It's a gift.


But anyway, have you SEEN how many party clothes are at the mall?  Is this all people do?  Go to parties?  I think it might be.

It's not like grocery shopping.  If you make a bad decision and buy the wrong brand of something or too much of something it will eventually either 1) get eaten anyway or 2) have to be thrown away as a health and safety precaution.

I am almost finished with the 5 gallon bucket of potato sticks.  Thank you very much.

But not party clothes.  Make a bad decision and you'll be wearing this stuff in the retirement home.  I'll be the lady in my wheelchair out on the  porch wearing a gold -sequined camisole and black leggings. Or the huge green sweater featuring a puffy Santa, his sleigh, and ALL MANNER of a reindeer herd on the front.

I wish it was like the eye exam thing.  Have you had your eyes tested where they systematically ask you to choose between different lenses until they find the one best for your eyes?

" For your right eye, is Lens 1 (flip) or 2 better?"

"2"

"Now Lens 2 (flip) or 3?"

"3"

See how easy that is?  I do good with lens choosing. (grammatical train wreck alert)



But me and THE PARTY CLOTHES, we've had just about enough of each other.  YES WE HAVE.

Yesterday I returned an entire (and perfectly beautiful) outfit that I bought the day before because I woke up, looked at it, and thought "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

It was just so NOT ME.

It was quite obviously someone, though.

And I had her clothes hanging in my closet.



And I could not be ANY WORSE at THE RETURN.  I feel like the salesperson needs a long and highly detailed explanation for why I am returning everything, when in reality she probably just wants me to

SHUTUPANDLEAVETHESTORE...

Oh and to add to THE MISERY, The Chief (albeit innocently) got involved.

Several days ago I came home from the farm and he said

"Hey, look at this dress in this advertisement, I really like it".


Now, I should probably mention that The Chief is not a "clothes noticer".

He has RARELY EVER weighed-in with any kind of fashion opinion.

And the man does have his OPINIONS on all sorts of topics.

VERY RIGHT OPINIONS.


So I was a little shocked, taken aback, floored when he mentioned this particular dress.

I should throw in that the price was conveniently not listed.



Well, just to humor myself (it was, by the way a lovely dress/and coincidentally by an awesome designer/and coincidentally quite expensive) I thought I would go try it on because, well I could have used the whole situation to my advantage frankly, and he would never have figured out that I got this great expensive dress because it was his fault.

Or something like that.


Anyway, I tried it on and

1) it was designed for someone tall

2) it was designed for someone skinny

3) it was NOT designed for someone with let's just say "curves"...

But I gave it the OLD COLLEGE TRY and then told The Chief that I was sorry I had curves and that I would try to make it up to him by spending all his money anyway.

And he said OK.

Even The Chief gives up sometimes.


But, in the end I think I've found something to wear that:

1) I really like

2) I think is REALLY ME

3) and I won't mind wearing when I'm 92.


I just have to convince myself not to look at it, or return it before Friday.



The black camisole thing is kind of lacy, and it will be worn with black pants and spiffy black heels.


Always Fashion-Forward,

Lu

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Weege Speaks

All kinds of things have been getting in the way of me writing a post, people.

There's been this.


And a little of that




 I think you can see that I've been otherwise occupied.


But in my defense,

these were taken at the farm

(hence the really scratched up leather couch)

which I really like and do not get in trouble for scratching up.


Anyway, I just wear my

farm dog self OUT at the farm

and need long periods of recuperative sleep.



Before the Mom kicks me off the computer again-

I've got a little story to tell.



A story of abandonment.

Deception.

Dissing.


So hang with me - I'm talking fast.

The Mom is left alone one morning at the farm with the task of feeding the cows.  I shouldn't have to remind you people that this is what I DO.  I feed the cows.  I herd the cows, I monitor, direct and generally rule the lives of the cows.  Well, the Mom sits me down that morning and she tells me I will not be participating in the feeding of the cows with her that day.

Blasphemy.

I mean I think someone needs to check her 'levels' or something, because this is just not done.  When The Chief is here, he and I get 'er done in fine fashion.  We're a cattle feeding machine, The Chief and I.  I do the finesse work, The Chief does the lifting and carrying.

Well, she mutters some excuse about me being an instigator.  About me getting the cows all riled up.  About her being afraid of getting trampled when I run the cows around in their 'drills'.

I think LAME-O pretty much covers it.

Anyhoo, I decide that she's surely out of her mind, and because one should not argue with The Crazy People, I decide to let her do her 'thang' and take advantage of the whole show by watching out the kitchen window of the farmhouse.

Here's how it went down.

Note:  I will pay someone big bucks to become my personal photographer, because really it's just a horrible shame that I didn't get pictures of this.

The cows are all waiting by the house for their morning meal.  The Mom drives the farm truck over to the back field behind the barn and opens the big gate to let them in the field where The Chief has already placed some Big Bales of Hay.  I know what she's doing.  She's trying to get them in that field and distract them with the Hay while she somehow puts out the cubes for them.  Nice idea, but easier said than done.

The cows make no move toward the open gate.  She honks the horn.  She yells some kind of odd, garbled, yodel-sounding something (it was just embarrassing).  She finally drives the truck back over to where the cows are in an attempt to lead them to the Hay field.  This is pathetic.  A few of them follow.  She looks hopeful.  She actually drives into the field, gets out of the truck and does some kind of Horrible Hay Dance.
God help her.  This is bad.

Finally the cows get the idea and come in.  She is almost trampled by them when they discover the Hay. She hops back in the truck, lays rubber, and drives over to the barn.  She backs up (crudely, I might add) to the small barn door.  Somehow the girl miraculously heaves three 50lb. bags of Cubes out of the barn and onto the tailgate of the truck.  She struggles for approximately 20 minutes trying to open the bags with the little pull-tape things.  I am quite amused.  I don't think she is.  Finally she opens the bags.  By this point some of the cows have heard the rustle of the paper Cube bags...

This is their favorite sound in the world.

Hay Schmay.  Give them cubes.

She grabs one of the 50 pounders, throws it under her arm, and begins walking around the field in front of the barn leaving a trail of cubes.  It's not a neat trail.  It's not evenly distributed.  She seems to be panicky.  Some of the cows are looking at her.  They see the cubes.  They want the cubes.

She's running now.  She's stepping in cow poop.  She's sliding around in mud.  The cows are moving out of the Hay Field.  She wildly grabs the second bag.  She slings some of it this way.  Some of it that way.  The cows are closer.  They're mooing and running.  I'm actually a little worried for her.  She has one last bag to get out.

"Do it Mom".

"Do it!", I scream.

She fumbles for the last bag.  She's sweating.  Or is she crying?

Cubes are flying.  The woman is possessed.  She flings the empty bags in the back of the truck and jumps in the cab just before the cows stampede.



Don't tell her, but I was pretty impressed.

I mean getting the Cubes out is no easy feat.

And No Injuries?


Even more impressive.

But seriously, I'm swearing you all to secrecy...



Peace Out.

The Weege